alone NOT lonely

ok, I am a recovering relationship addict… for the most part of my adult life I’ve been in committed relationships. When I’m not in a relationship I’m usually booed up in some capacity. This became so evident that a friend labeled me a “serial monogamous”. Longing for companionship the way I did/do is unhealthy for many reasons- most prominent being: you find yourself in unions out of convenience and boredom. In this entry I will discuss my relationship addiction realization while hopefully helping some of you realize that you too addicted to companionship.

-when you’re single do you find yourself giving into the most random hangout invites with someone you ordinarily would not give the time of day?

-Do you often look at chicks in relationships who you believe don’t have as much to offer as you do like-“wtf?!” (you’re probably shallow- we will talk about this later)

-are you so seldomly single that when you are you get comments like “I’ve been waiting on you to be single since 2007” from suiters you never knew had a thing for you?

-do you often entertain people who you know you willl never want to build anything substantial with out of fear of loneliness?

– Do your friends give you the “where is the old one?!” face when you introduce your new boo at a gathering?

-While chatting with friends about “the bait” do you have to constantly remind them that your talking about someone new?

-Do you treat relationships like a game of hop-scotch you know jumping from one woman to the next?

-Are you so accustomed to having someone to fall asleep next to that you have a hard time falling asleep alone? In a shameful attempt to remedy this you invite some Rando over for a “sleep over” and constantly remind them there will be NO SEX.

-While single are you miserable or restless?

– can you fathom doing “datey” things alone? if no… why not? probably cause you dont like being alone

– Do your neighbors make comments about how soon you replace females?

Little Lezzies, if you answered yes to more than 7 of these you need to really think about why you’re never alone! Do you even like you?! Being alone is imperative in order to figure your own shit out! I know first hand that my relationships failed because I hadn’t taken the necessary time to deal with my own shit so when i tried to deal with someone else and their shit it was impossible. After some much needed alone time I realize that I’m really quite dope; and it will take a really special person when the time is right to partner up. Codependency is really unattractive; independence is really the way. After you’re comfortable being independent (alone) then and only then should one begin to date. If your ass relly must have SOMETHING around get a puppy!!! This is really just how I feel- but I’m certain its fact…if only in my head. While being alone might pain you- theres nothing better than the moment you realize you’re okay.

EvJ

My feelings are best expressed through song- thanks to my Honey friend for introducing me to this

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Hearts aren’t for thinking!!!

I am romantic by nature. I’m not talking about that corny red roses and candle light crap. I’m talking dates outside on a grassy hill where we snack on homemade foods and wine while Al Green plays in the background softly as we talk about our deepest feelings while we look at the clouds-That there is my jam. I crave my type of romance like a pregnant chick craves food combinations that don’t go together. When I’m dealing with a woman who gives me the romance that I need I’m in the clouds, you can’t get me to come down for shit. I believe in romance and love so much I call myself The HopeFUL romantic. After talking to my friend Nik (heeeey munch) about my LEScapades she told me some real shit- “You’re smarter than this!” It was at that moment that I realized that my hopefulness was overpowering my brain.

I’m pretty much a vet in these dyke streets- I am not new to this; I’m true to this. With all these sapphic years under my belt you would think I’d see fuckery/ heartache from a mile away. But no- I continually see through rose colored glasses! I try to see the good in all things it just makes living easier. But when it comes to dating I allow seeing the good to over power acknowledging the bad/real. I get it no one is perfect! Whatever, I know that shit! I just gotta keep my head in the game…. Don’t let your heart do the thinking that’s not its job, use ya brain! No matter how beautiful she is, use ya brain! No matter how good the box is, use ya brain! Oh she’s “deep”- that’s cute…. But…USE YA BRAIN! She listens to every arbitrary thought you have as if it could save the world…. Awesome! But use ya brain! No one owes my heart shit but me- I can’t be upset at these girls for making me feel a way with out first checking myself for allowing them in enough to do so. Had I used my brain I wouldn’t feel any kind of way. “To yourself be true, don’t be no fool when love really don’t love you”

My feelings are best described through song.- my disco anthem
youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXsosNMI0j4&w=420&h=315%5D

What is closure?

*disclaimer* This post isn’t funny- hardly witty and wont be jammed packed with cursing- I’m improving on me-if you’re not interested in personal growth of yourself/others this isn’t for you. As always… IT AINT FOR EVERYBODY

I personally have a problem with closure- I feel like I haven’t gotten it in the breakups where I needed it most. But really what is “closure”? Like the door is closed! What more do you need? For me Closure is more about forgiveness and contentment. Where a lot of us get life fucked up is we think we need to forgive the ex for all the wrong they did to us and we believe we can only find contentment in their arms.  What I realized is that I need to forgive me for quitting on the relationship and that I’ve gotta be comfortable with me- I’m a dope girlfriend but I’m even doper alone!

I believe I’ve been in love twice in life- two times where I felt I never received closure in a way I thought I needed. I have a great deal of anxiety associated with this lack of closure.  My anxiety isn’t a terrible case but it’s enough anxiety that it sometimes leaves me feeling unable to breathe with ease and with no actual desire to move. One night I was up with a terrible bout of anxiety- I was trying to work my way through it without taking my Lorazepam. I made a comment about what I was going through on Facebook when a friend of mine asked me what was going on. Once I told my friend what it was that I was going through her solution for me was “You need to forgive them” It was that moment when I realized I had forgiven these women ages ago but still harbored resentment towards myself.

The resentment I had gone on unrealized just growing and festering. I’d thought for years it was the women who owed me something- some sort of finale. I was super wrong- I was pissed because I felt that no matter what these girls did to me I could’ve tried to salvage the relationship but I rightfully tapped out. I quit because I knew with them at that time I’d reached my breaking point- doesn’t mean I stopped loving them. I had to forgive me for quitting on a love that wasn’t dead. Hopefully knowing this will allow me to no longer love them beyond our current labels. Life has no rewind button and it never will. I need to live today and come to terms with yesterday and look forward for tomorrow. Once I realized what I needed to do- I had moment in life when everything was good. Now that I wrote this- I feel incredibly better!

My feelings are best expressed in song (sorry there wasn’t an actual video)

Bitches be Crazy, no?

Ok sorry for the hiatus- I honestly just didn’t have much to talk about. Until recently that is. After having an unwarranted cyber run in with a crazy ass female I thought to myself… “gay bitches are nuts!” Like even straight bitches are a little loopy on average but when it comes to lesbians its outta fucking control! In all of my past relationships, encounters, hell even dates there’s been aha moments when I’m like “this bitch is a little crazy”. If you know me you know that until recently I was just shy of bat-shit crazy my damn self. Let us talk about the different types of crazy that are commonly found in these dykey streets.

Little Miss I love you On the Second Date: this chick sees a future with you when there’s clearly none. Shes like Raven in the tv show “That’s So Raven” her visions are all mixed up. She’s in love with the idea of being in love and anyone will do. If she’s single it’s never for long. She will post a kissy face pic with a new bitch often talking about “Me and the Mrs” with no explanation as to what happened to the old gal.

Little Miss Imma have her kids call me daddy:  Oh no ma’am! You have a pussy- you will be no one’s daddy, ever!

Little Miss Imma harass your ex/current : This female is insecure for one reason or another and takes it out on the ex/current chick , she is very closely related to the next little miss. Anyway, this woman will have misdirected anger and aim it towards the chick that is most likely amazing in the areas in which she isn’t. What’s most odd about this creature is more times than not she has tons going for her but she’s worried about the wrong thing. Honestly I’ve been harassed as the ex and as the current and let me tell you baby: these bitches are the worst kind!

Little Miss you can’t be friends with your exes, or females of the opposite role (stud/femme): Oh god, I’ve been guilty of this one in my past. This bitch wants to control every move you make often times it’s because in her free time she is usually doing dirt.

Little Miss Looking for a Mama- she has or had a not so great relationship with her Mother and inadvertently dates women who fit her (mom’s) basic description. The worst part about this chick is that she really is just looking for love that you can’t give her. She isn’t your child so the love won’t be what she needs. There’s another type of “LMLfaM” the chick who has such a fucked up relationship with her mother that she purposely chooses any female that looks NOTHING like her mom  because in her sick, sad mind all light skinned women are fucked up cause her mama is (or whatever the issue is).

Little Miss gimme all your passcodes: Bitch please! You didn’t pay for shit over here. A lot of my friends do this, more power to them! I’m not talking to any other female but TRUST AND BELIEVE every time you do some fuck shit I am reading you from front to back via text with my girl Supe and that’s none of your business.

I could go on and on about crazy bitches after all I’m only recently delivered from that life; however, there’s really no need. I’ve come to the conclusion it’s a waste of time looking for a sane lesbian; the key is to find a chick who balances your crazy. Someone that may be a little nuts, but perhaps cashews when you are peaNUTS so y’all are just some raisins and chocolates away from a healthy snack. You feel me? That’s all I’ve got to say about that EVJ

Lessons learned as taught by Little Miss Love Song.

So, about Little Miss Love Song who earned that name from being beautiful (inside and out) like a love song. Lets talk about her. Shall we? I did agree that I wouldn’t talk about our, shall we say … Dealings but now that we’re done I assume all agreements are off. So here are little tidbits I gained from the 2 months that we were dealing with one another.

1. If she seems too good to be true. She probably thinks she’s too good for you.
– no matter how much you think you keep it together it will simply not be enough for certain females.

2. Pay attention to all clues.
-if mamma seems unattached chances are she is.
-if you KNOW you can cook down but she still has menu request, she might not value your skill set.

3. Stick to your guns.
-I had planned on celibacy until 2014, so much for that shit. She knew about it and seduced me (cliché right?) supposedly she was abstinent too but one raunchy night… Well, I will spare you the details. But…. Fawk!

4. Beautiful bitches are too much hassle.
-call me shallow but a moderately attractive bitch is more my speed. I would much rather be the prettiest one in the pair.

5. If she’s from your past there could be a reason for it.
-If Little Miss pops up outta no where after a 5 year friendship hiatus perhaps she’s more comfortable in your past.

6. If she seems like everything you’ve ever asked God for he could’ve used her to show you maybe you’re not quite ready for that shit.
-she loves The Lord. Oooooh I love that shit, she’s aesthetically appealing, good, head on her shoulders, employed (three times over) and her favorite vocalist is Miss Anita Baker (my all time favorite). But at the end of the day…. SO?! None of that shit matters now.

Lesson learned. I now know I was blinded by all that glitter that very well could’ve been gold.
That’s it.

Lesbians… we all know each other, no?

Hey little lesbians- I’ve been thinking about the Six Degrees of Separation as it applies to lesbian interactions especially in Atlanta, GA. In case you don’t know anything about the Six Degrees of Separation theory let me give you a little lesson. Six degrees of separation is the philosophy that everyone and everything is six or fewer steps away, by way of introduction, from any other person in the world, so that a chain of “a friend of a friend” statements can be made to connect any two people in six steps at most. So think about it, there’s like 0-1 degrees of separation when it comes to lesbianism (well at least in Atlanta). I keep saying “in Atlanta” because this is where I live. I don’t know a damn about Milwaukee Dykin.

So, I’ve been seeing this delightful woman, Little Miss Love Song, I haven’t written about her/us because I’ve given my word that I wouldn’t. I really have so many nice things to say but let me stop before I infringe on our agreement. Anyway, She asked me about the women I’d been seeing previous to when she and I started seeing each other. She called out a random woman from my past that I’d gone on 7-11 dates with recently. This chick I call Little Miss Inconsistent- because she is just that… mixed signal slinging, pop up as she pleases etc. Hence why I haven’t written about her, She’s not around enough. Let me get back on track. Little Miss Love Song and Little Miss Inconsistent are acquainted through one or two mutual friends. While this lack of separation is annoying it’s not problematic for me.

The rundown: One of my good friends ex-girlfriends is the now boo of my bestie from my late teens and early twenties. Shit, if we’re going to be honest I’m “guilty” of seeing someone who is an ex of woman that I’ve been shall we say…. Friendly with. Little Miss Asshole is sorta besties with someone I’ve been intimate with. So I say all of this to ask a question; does the lack of degrees of separation make it impossible to maintain the “G-code”? G-code meaning you don’t deal with someone who is cool with someone you’ve dealt with in the past and/or ex boo of your friend’s homegirl. I feel it’s not impossible to maintain the G-code but it could be wasted efforts. Like don’t be a complete ho about it, don’t be the smash n’ pass between a crew. But if the bitches ain’t “bruhs” is it cool? Like where do you draw the line? Birds of a feather flock together, so quality bitches are bound to know each other if only just in passing.

Shit is stressful if you let it be, luckily for me… I don’t do stress. I’m grown, I’m not malicious, and I’m mindful of karma and people’s feelings. But really, what’s a girl to do?!