Single Black Female

Being single like a dollar bill has taught me a lot! I’ve learned that being alone won’t be the be the death of me and that in this time of romantic solitude I’ve had time to make up a fictitious character based on all the encounters I’ve had both good and bad with these girls. Rather than naming each desirable trait from every girl I’ve dated, crushed on or a sexy friend and subsequently getting an unbearable amount of texts and calls demanding an explanation of my choices I thought I’d do something a little more fun. Why not make a quick little faux singles ad—eeek!

SBLF (single black lesbian femme) NISObiifhic (not in search of- but if I find her its cool) a woman who is damn near brilliant. Must love walks to the park and playing at the playground. An appreciation for tea and tea time is preferred. Must make love to me as if your life depends on it! Please taste like a delicious calorie free snack and allow me to explore your body as though it’s a new world. An extensive lexicon is considered to be of importance as I am a wordsmith. Must enjoy homemade gourmet foods and have an adventurous palate because I am a culinary beast. A woman who is physically female but internally is more like a gay man seems to fit me well; you know,someone I could be submissive with but still tries a little tenderness.  A love of Anita baker would help you understand my heart’s truest feelings. Artsy chicks are preferential I don’t care what art moves you most. While being classically attractive is nice- an acquired taste appeal is more my jam. Let’s talk aesthetics: I love an interesting mouth-, large lips, big teeth, Big mouth or perhaps an overbite will make me swoon so long as the teeth are well groomed, white and straightish. I personally am a girl who is considered a full figured; my thighs are besties and I am quite short (meaty if you will). I prefer my women to be slender (like vegetables). I’ll bring the meat, you bring the veggies! MOST IMPORTANT: Please have your soul in order- spiritually void need not apply! I’ve taken the time to repair the cracks in my foundations; so, naturally I’d require the same in a potential suitor; if not yet repaired please have plans for renovations!

Ha! What a wonderful world this would be if this could actually be posted for the single lezzies to see and ONE woman who I’d find to be desirable, would read this AD and be witty enough to get me! But alas, my trumped up desires are far too lofty for real life; this I know. While perfection in love would be ideal- I’m mature enough to know love takes time to achieve all around goodness and perfection is rare. The “hopeful romantic” is losing hope y’all- blahhhh! I may never find a love that’s “right” and I’m learning to be okay with that

till next time

EeJay

my feelings are best expressd through song: sorry no official video not even with all the remakes

FRIENDmance

White men have been on to some real shit for eons THE BROMANCE! I was talking to my favorite cousin, Little Miss Goose, about my addiction to companionship and how dope it would be to have someone (a friend) who I could do datey things with without the pressure of actually dating them. Both of us agreed that a FRIENDmance would best suit me. The rules of engagement would be tough for me I knew this… I’ve never been a fan of rules. But when we’re talking uncharted territories and blurred lines there has got to be some sort of guidelines! The most pressing issue at hand is do you fuck your friend?! Or is this just plainly and simply an innocent cuddle and a playful pat on the ass is as far as this goes type of situation? I’m not one to take part in “no strings attached” sex acts. To be honest I prefer my sex to be very stringy: heart strings, soul strings, mental strings… ha! So um perhaps no sex? Yea… no sex unless there’s a connection of cosmological magnitudes. No annoying questions such as “who is that bitch?” or “who are you with” more raunchy flirty questions like “Say, mama- what that mouth do?!” oh- and statements of affirmation and sweetness such as “I miss your face” “You’re so friggin pretty”.     Y’all catch my drift yet? No awkwardness cause they’re already your friend. If we we’re to hold hands there wouldn’t be any of that annoying fidgetiness or flirty hand petting cause we would just fit together comfortably; you know on account of there’s already an established friendship or at least familiarity.

Then I woke up-would this be dope beyond imagination? Fuck yes! Is it ideal for someone who is about this life? Yup! Am I the girl who could be a willing continual participant in this?! Hell nah shawty! That isn’t me- I’m too smart to ever feel like I’m just an option. I need to know a chick is mine and vice versa. Friends first…. Okay FRIENDmance???? Not for me baby girl! I know me, and I know simply “I can’t go for that” I am all about happiness and the spread of it but my first responsibility is to preserve my own happiness.

My feelings are best expressed through song

And then There Were Three

 

As I previously told you guys I’m going through an Anti-Social phase (lets pray it’s a phase). I really don’t enjoy being around people in the magnitude in which I used to- its not that they’ve done anything to me in particular; it just like my spirit seems to be in a state of unrest while I’m in an atmosphere where there’s just tons of people no matter how well I know them. This is problematic for a girl who has a group of friends say about…. 15-23 deep. Sounds cray-I know. I have a group of friends who are insanely talented, beautiful, sickening, and witty really and truly all around wonderful people for the most part. We take birthdays quite seriously we all get up effortlessly throw on something gagworthy and do whatever it is that the birthday girl/boy has planned (usually all weekend long). It’s a fun, Instagram worthy time almost every time we all get together- and birthdays?! (eye roll) Honey… they’re just magical.

This birthday was a bit different, well at least for me. Let me give y’all a little history: I was born on the First of April (yes, some people call it April Fool’s Day) AND my absentee father (God rest his soul) died on my 20^th Birthday making my birthday even more of a historical shitshow. I go out of my way to ensure my birthday is something amazing yearly- because… that’s how I was raised, it’s MY day and it’s like New Year’s Day for just Me (and whoever else has my birthday). I sent out my b-day invites via text with some loose ass haphazard plans for the Saturday before my birthday that kind of made it clear I wasn’t really celebrating in my normal manner; nonetheless I expected a turnout of 15-20 people cause that just how we do. I began to get “not gunna make it girl” texts and calls  for various valid reasons midday of the celebration and it soon settled in that this year was going to be totally different.

Long story short I celebrated my birthday with three people who I appreciate so stankin much My little Baby Cousin Shalaya, Our friend Tweek and our newest friend Malibu. I didn’t even have time to get in my feelings cause it wasn’t the fanfare I was accustomed to cause these clowns made sure I had a good time. We drank my specialty cocktail OTIS had pizza and shots, danced, laughed our asses off talked about everything from vagina lips to what it is to be a DAB (down ass bitch) On my actual birthday I worked, I got the usual  text/calls/ tweets etc but the only person who made time to really fuck with me was Malibu. I’ve wanted my septum pierced since like 2007 but never had the balls to do it- So we went to get my septum pierced (midlife crisis much?) then I cooked my favorite meal for us partially to show her my gratitude partially cause I wanted Chilean Sea Bass, lobster/ avocado eggrolls and salad with Scallops and feta with a cute mango dressing.

So um….Happy New Ee-jay (the new year for me) I’m not upset with the ones who didn’t come through- I’m just so appreciative to the ones who did. I’m getting too grown to keep doing shit the same way anyhow. No better way to start new practices than New Years day right?

Till next time

EVJ

My feelings are best described through song … Thank you to everyone who helped make my birthday special- thank you for being a friend