Extrovert turned inside out

I used to be a busy body, someone who always knew where the next turn up was and was there with a drink (or two) in hand. That life was beautifully exhausting and fun at the same time. I ran with a sickening crowd of close friends where it was easy to forget about what really mattered or perhaps what was ailing me. I loved every single moment of this… I really and truly did. I was almost always buzzed or drunk to the point where I was recently told I behaved like Drunk Goldie Hawn in The First Wives club back then.

I recently have wanted nothing more than to be alone- it at times causes extreme discomfort to be around people unless its by my own choosing on my terms. If I halfheartedly agree to do something with people I know very well I find it very hard to fake the funk like I’m enjoying myself and find a quiet and easy exit strategy without bidding my loved ones adieu. You might see how this would be problematic for a person who was once a social butterfly. Butterflies never go back into a cocoon to become caterpillars! So because of all this I have been labeled distant, sometimey, weird, aloof, etc by people who have no clue what this change is that I’m going through due to NO choice of my own. My birthday is next week and this is causing me real life panic.

This alone time has been lonely as fuck; like, no shit…. I still experience  loneliness- but in groups I feel like I’m drowning. Yet while in my lonely state- I’ve been crazy productive: on so many levels mentally,spiritually  and physically.  I Realized I’m super good at doing a ton of things I never imaged I could do and developed talents I knew I had… decided to write children’s books, made a legit piece of furniture, I have been cooking crazy good healthy food,  found a new tea regimen that really makes my day better, I’m even teaching Sunday school to the kids at my church home. I’ve always hated the term “Finding myself” one because I go nowhere without myself- its impossible…. But now I get it. I’m finding exactly what it is that makes me the dopest me that I’ve ever been. Would it be good to share this with my friends and they get it? fuck yes! Half of them are over me (and that’s cool, I guess) Most wont get it, but I have three who do.  To you three I appreciate it- more than yall will ever know.

as always- my feelings are best expressed through song- really its only the first three bars (hmmm there goes the number three again). Its jammy nonetheless- I love SBTRKT

ITS COMPLICATED WHEN YOU GRAVITATE TOWARDS YOURSELF

sorry there’s no official video 😦

Till next time Lil Lezzies-

EeJay

PS:I’m not going nuts

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alone NOT lonely

ok, I am a recovering relationship addict… for the most part of my adult life I’ve been in committed relationships. When I’m not in a relationship I’m usually booed up in some capacity. This became so evident that a friend labeled me a “serial monogamous”. Longing for companionship the way I did/do is unhealthy for many reasons- most prominent being: you find yourself in unions out of convenience and boredom. In this entry I will discuss my relationship addiction realization while hopefully helping some of you realize that you too addicted to companionship.

-when you’re single do you find yourself giving into the most random hangout invites with someone you ordinarily would not give the time of day?

-Do you often look at chicks in relationships who you believe don’t have as much to offer as you do like-“wtf?!” (you’re probably shallow- we will talk about this later)

-are you so seldomly single that when you are you get comments like “I’ve been waiting on you to be single since 2007” from suiters you never knew had a thing for you?

-do you often entertain people who you know you willl never want to build anything substantial with out of fear of loneliness?

– Do your friends give you the “where is the old one?!” face when you introduce your new boo at a gathering?

-While chatting with friends about “the bait” do you have to constantly remind them that your talking about someone new?

-Do you treat relationships like a game of hop-scotch you know jumping from one woman to the next?

-Are you so accustomed to having someone to fall asleep next to that you have a hard time falling asleep alone? In a shameful attempt to remedy this you invite some Rando over for a “sleep over” and constantly remind them there will be NO SEX.

-While single are you miserable or restless?

– can you fathom doing “datey” things alone? if no… why not? probably cause you dont like being alone

– Do your neighbors make comments about how soon you replace females?

Little Lezzies, if you answered yes to more than 7 of these you need to really think about why you’re never alone! Do you even like you?! Being alone is imperative in order to figure your own shit out! I know first hand that my relationships failed because I hadn’t taken the necessary time to deal with my own shit so when i tried to deal with someone else and their shit it was impossible. After some much needed alone time I realize that I’m really quite dope; and it will take a really special person when the time is right to partner up. Codependency is really unattractive; independence is really the way. After you’re comfortable being independent (alone) then and only then should one begin to date. If your ass relly must have SOMETHING around get a puppy!!! This is really just how I feel- but I’m certain its fact…if only in my head. While being alone might pain you- theres nothing better than the moment you realize you’re okay.

EvJ

My feelings are best expressed through song- thanks to my Honey friend for introducing me to this

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Hearts aren’t for thinking!!!

I am romantic by nature. I’m not talking about that corny red roses and candle light crap. I’m talking dates outside on a grassy hill where we snack on homemade foods and wine while Al Green plays in the background softly as we talk about our deepest feelings while we look at the clouds-That there is my jam. I crave my type of romance like a pregnant chick craves food combinations that don’t go together. When I’m dealing with a woman who gives me the romance that I need I’m in the clouds, you can’t get me to come down for shit. I believe in romance and love so much I call myself The HopeFUL romantic. After talking to my friend Nik (heeeey munch) about my LEScapades she told me some real shit- “You’re smarter than this!” It was at that moment that I realized that my hopefulness was overpowering my brain.

I’m pretty much a vet in these dyke streets- I am not new to this; I’m true to this. With all these sapphic years under my belt you would think I’d see fuckery/ heartache from a mile away. But no- I continually see through rose colored glasses! I try to see the good in all things it just makes living easier. But when it comes to dating I allow seeing the good to over power acknowledging the bad/real. I get it no one is perfect! Whatever, I know that shit! I just gotta keep my head in the game…. Don’t let your heart do the thinking that’s not its job, use ya brain! No matter how beautiful she is, use ya brain! No matter how good the box is, use ya brain! Oh she’s “deep”- that’s cute…. But…USE YA BRAIN! She listens to every arbitrary thought you have as if it could save the world…. Awesome! But use ya brain! No one owes my heart shit but me- I can’t be upset at these girls for making me feel a way with out first checking myself for allowing them in enough to do so. Had I used my brain I wouldn’t feel any kind of way. “To yourself be true, don’t be no fool when love really don’t love you”

My feelings are best described through song.- my disco anthem
youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BXsosNMI0j4&w=420&h=315%5D